Homeschooling a child with ADHD, dyslexia, or another learning challenge means there are probably some pretty intense moods. The brain regulates more than just attention, and those emotions can dysregulate pretty quickly. A subject takes longer than expected, an assignment or project is different than your child first thought, the pencil lead breaks, a math problem needs to be erased—it honestly doesn’t take much for the whole day to spiral into a meltdown (and some of those meltdowns are my own, if I’m honest). But just because emotions are high doesn’t mean the day is lost. There is a way, even in the emotional storm, to shift the mood and regain the day with a few simple strategies.
Shifting the Mood in your Homeschool: Strategies for Emotional Dysregulation
Where do the moods come from
Let’s start by understanding the moods themselves and where they come from. In most instances, emotional meltdowns and “bad moods” come from ruminating either on past failures or future fears. The present circumstance might trigger the bad mood, but it’s the ruminating, even obsessing, on past or future that keeps the spiral going.
Past failures
If your child is ruminating on the past, you might hear statements like
- I’ve failed this before
- Last time this took forever
- I never understand this
- Every time I try, this happens.
- I can never do this.
All of these kinds of statements clue you in that your child is focusing on past difficulties. Really, your child isn’t focused on the math problem in front of her at all. She’s thinking about all those past math lessons where she struggled.
Future Fears
If your child is ruminating about the future, you might hear statements like
- I will fail at this.
- I will never finish.
- I will never understand.
- This will take all day.
- It’s going to be horrible.
All of these statements clue you in that your child is focusing on his future fears. Again, your child isn’t really thinking about the worksheet in front of him or the writing assignment. His executive functioning (the part of the brain helping him to process the task) has shut down and left him fearing failure along the way.
But here’s an important point to remember, you cannot reason your child out of this rumination in the moment of meltdown. At the very beginning of that mood shift, you might be able to remind him of moments of success in the past. But once the emotion and panic set in, the reasoning part of the brain has shut down. When you sense this, just stop. Try a new strategy. It doesn’t matter if your child’s statements aren’t true or don’t make sense. You can deal with all of that later. Right now, it’s time to shift the mood.
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What to remember when shifting the mood
Mood shifters are similar to mindfulness or grounding, but don’t be afraid of the terms. Basically, you want to ground your child back in the reality of the present. But, you can’t do that with reasoning, so the alternative is to ground your child with her senses. Think through all five senses and bring them into play. It may require a change of scenery; leave the environment or “scene” of the meltdown. Walk away. Here are a few other ideas for incorporating the senses as you shift the mood.
- Scents (candles, essential oils, baked goods)
- Music (calming ambient music, or wild, vibrant dance party—it just depends on the child)
- Movement (walk, dance, jump, spin, hang upside down—some kids need more intense sensation than others)
- Nature (step outside, breathe fresh air, feel the sunshine, smell flowers, pet an animal, hold a smooth rock or warm stone)
- Food (green tea has L-theanine, an amino acid that is a natural mood lifter; sweet baked goods, affect both dopamine and serotonin)
- Calming textures (play-do, clay, leather, water beads, sequence pillow)
It might be helpful to set up a calming corner with a few of these items already in place, and encourage your child to choose more than one option. As a matter of fact, combining as many senses as you can may be necessary to help your child come back to the present and pause all that ruminating. Also, setting up a calming corner allows your child to develop a sense of control over a situation that feels very out of control.
In the meantime, take stock of the situation and pray. Pray for your child, and pray for your own attitude and for wisdom to see what’s really going on. Once your child is calm, pray with her and, in your prayer, remind her of God’s help and care. Help your child articulate the fear and then give her language that gives that feeling a name and demonstrates a growth mindset. Depending on the age and ability of your child, you might walk her through how to tell God what she just told you.
Now, it’s time to remind her of those past successes. Assure your child she is not struggling alone. Set a timer so that your child is assured whatever task is before her won’t take “forever.” Bottomline, show that you are listening and offer a solution. All of this is before you re-enter the place where the meltdown happened. Only after the mood has shifted should you retry whatever the problem was.
And I do think it’s important to try it again. It’s like getting back on the horse that bucked you off. If at all possible, don’t quit for the day right here. Do something to reinforce a new reality, even if it’s just one math problem on the page or one sentence of the report. If your child has a lot of anxiety, let your child decide what that doable small step might be. “How many problems do you think you can do?” “How much do think you can write?” Help your child succeed in a small way before you decide to end the day.
How to set up an atmosphere of calm
There is something to be said for trying to head off the storm. Sometimes, you just know it’s coming. Maybe your child’s ruminating started the night before, maybe you sense dread at the breakfast table, maybe you just know the routine by now. While sometimes that meltdown is just unavoidable, education does start with an atmosphere (nod to Charlotte Mason here).
Setting the mood or atmosphere gives some positive associations. Play the music, bake the cookies, light the candle or get that diffuser going, then sit down to the hard thing.
For example, each Monday morning we start the week with our planners and all of their assignments. It’s an important step for my high schoolers in setting up their own schedules and creating awareness for what’s ahead, but it is primetime for a meltdown. Looking at everything you have in front of you for the week can be overwhelming, especially when you can’t always count on executive functioning skills to show up. So every Monday morning, I bake cookies—the simple pre-made dough chunks you pop onto a baking sheet (our store carries gluten-free!). I light a candle, and I play this music while everyone gathers. Math can be another intense time around here; so sometimes, when I sense this, I pop some popcorn and brew some tea.
That doesn’t mean we always avoid the meltdowns, but sometimes it keeps it to a rumble instead of a full-blown explosion.
Bad moods and intense emotions are just part of the journey of homeschooling ADHD, dyslexia, and a number of other learning challenges. It doesn’t mean you are necessarily doing anything wrong; it’s just part of those challenges. And sometimes, my mood is the one that needs to shift (these tips work for you, too, weary Momma). Modeling how I take charge of my moods is an important teaching time for them as well. Keep in mind, you are educating a whole person, which means working through emotions as well as working through math. Shifting the mood is one of those tools to tuck into your homeschool tool belt; sooner or later, that emotional dysregulation will hit and someone’s mood will need a little lift.
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