Motivating Your Child with Anxiety

February 16, 2017Tracy

Over the last few weeks, I’ve mentioned our top motivation-killers at my house: Big Emotions and creativity. Today, I’m revealing the last of our big three: anxiety. I’m not sure if the anxiety at our house is rooted in the ADHD or the dyslexia or something else entirely, but anxiety has been a real motivation-killer at several different points in our homeschool. How do you get your child moving again when anxiety has her totally shut down?

While a lot of the same ideas for motivating an intense child will also work for the anxious child (our anxiety is usually emotionally intense), there are a few things I do differently when dealing specifically with my daughter’s anxiety.

5 steps for motivating your child with anxiety

Reassure first. Don’t reassure with logic! (I’ve mentioned before that I am really working on this.) Know your child and what that child needs. Reassure with affection and sentiment: “I love you and it’s okay. We will get through this together.” I think, perhaps more than anything, my anxious child needs to be reminded that she’s not alone, that I’m there supporting her through all her struggles.
Validate her feelings and assure her that you will do all that you can to prevent her fears from becoming reality. “I can see how that would be devastating, but I will not allow anyone to laugh at you.” “I can see why you would be terrified, but I will make sure that [whatever the fear] doesn’t happen.” While my natural instinct is to tell my child that what she feels will never happen and logically explain why that fear is absurd, this just doesn’t have the same outcome as telling her that I will not allow that fear to occur. Sometimes, I can’t make that promise. It’s not in my realm of protection. In those cases, I reassure that if it were to ever happen, we would overcome it together, that she wouldn’t be facing that situation alone.
Be for her, not against her. I mentioned this in my post about motivating your intense child. Of course, we are “for” our children. But it is easy to default to an “us against them” when the work isn’t getting done. By positioning myself as the ally, I and my child work together against the obstacle or natural consequence, instead of against each other. I am not punishing her with the consequences; the consequences are hers. But I want to work alongside her to find a strategy to help her make good decisions and avoid those consequences.
End on a positive note. Humor, a secret code word between the two of us to reassure her in anxious moments, a treat (food heals the soul), a hug—anything that seals the deal and provides a little nudge of momentum.
Set up the learning environment to reassure the child the next time you encounter that obstacle. When we begin a subject or an assignment that I know my daughter is naturally anxious about, I begin by going over what we’ve discussed before, and remind her of what we are doing differently this time to make sure that her fears are not a reality. Reading used to be our anxiety-subject; then it became spelling. For a long time, she would burst into tears and shut down at even the sight of an assignment that required spelling. Slowly, we’ve worked through the anxieties from both of those subjects. And the other weekend, she picked up a spelling book on her own on a day off to work through some of the activities! Talk about a miracle! Though she is not completely confident in spelling, we’ve definitely come a long way.

Motivating a child with anxiety takes an enormous amount of patience. And I have to remember that even though the fears don’t always make sense to me, they are very real to my child. I’m not always grateful for these moments. I’m not always patient. I’m sure, at times, I’ve aggravated and intensified some of those feelings by handling it the wrong way. But as I look back over the weeks, and think about what God is doing in my life through this journey, I appreciate so much more how God handles my fears.

How illogical are mine most of the time! I have an almighty God who knows and cares: what do I have to be afraid of? And yet, God doesn’t launch into all the reasons why those fears don’t make sense. Instead, He assures me—”Don’t be afraid!” And He’s there for me—”I will never leave you or forsake you.” In the end, these are the verses and promises that both my child and I have to come back to. She and I are both scared, anxious little sheep, but He is the good Shepherd of us both.

Display Boards for whole family learning

February 9, 2017Tracy

We’ve had so much fun with display boards recently that I just had to give you a peek at the action. As part of our Tapestry of Grace curriculum, we’ve been learning about the cultures and people of ancient Palestine during the time of King Saul, King David, and King Solomon. I love doing as much of our learning together as we can, so I assigned both of the older kids this display board project for their writing assignment. Immediately, they were all on board.

Preparation for the Display Boards

My preparation, overall, wasn’t bad. I printed off the Teacher Notes from our curriculum and highlighted the portions for them to read through for the writing part of the assignment, picked some images to print from Google images, and picked up some display board supplies at our local supply store. Each child picked their board, including Littlest, my preschooler. He wanted in on the action, and I figured getting him his own poster board would keep him from “participating” in the other kids’ projects in ways they would not prefer.

Directions for the Display Boards

We chose four cultures that had the most information available: Canaanites, Hittites, Philistines, and Phoenicians. And I gave them 3 weeks to work on it.

For my fifth grader, I assigned a paragraph for each culture. Other than providing his materials and showing him a few sample projects, I really did not do much more for him. He likes his independence.

For my third grader, I only required a couple of sentences for each culture. Because of her skill level and dyslexia, I helped her quite a bit more. I read the information to her rather than have her read it, and she used a new favorite app of ours to write her sentences. (Dyslexia Aid allows her to speak her sentence into the app, and it gives her the text for her to copy into her projects.)

For my preschooler, I gave him permission to use any left-over photos the big kids were not using. He got his glue stick and scissors and went to town. I love it! The red scribbles are his map of Palestine.

In Love with Display Boards

Seriously, we are in love with display boards, and I keep asking myself why I haven’t tried this sooner. My daughter has already asked about a hundred times if she can make another one. And it was an easy way to incorporate everyone at their own skill levels, interacting with the same information, which after all, is why I love Tapestry of Grace to begin with. I love whole family learning, and I love getting to put that learning on display.

Motivating Your Intense Child

February 2, 2017Tracy

My kids have BIG EMOTIONS. All three of them are what you’d call “intense” children. And while our lifestyle change and food eliminations have definitely taken care of the more violent feelings and rages we used to deal with, it hasn’t changed my kids’ personalities. They still feel things in a BIG WAY, and sometimes, that can be a BIG distraction to homeschooling, especially when those feelings have them completely unmotivated to learn.

I wish I could say I always handle this the right way and patiently walk them through these moments. I don’t. But I’m learning. Here’s some of what I’m learning—from lots of trial and error—works best to motivate an intense child.

5 Ways to Motivate your Intense Child

Help them calm down first. Oh, this is so hard for me. Most of the time, I just want it to stop. (Make the noise stop!) It takes all the Holy Spirit power to keep me from launching into a logical discourse on why their feelings don’t make sense. But I’m learning. I know this isn’t helpful. It doesn’t matter how correct I am, logic is NOT what they need. Those conversations must wait until later, after they are calm. First and foremost, I have to discover what my child needs to calm down. And it seems that different children and even different situations sometimes call for a different answer here. Sometimes, the child needs space from the situation or the offender to calm themselves. Sometimes, it’s a creative outlet to work through or distract from the anxiety. Other times, they just need me to hold them and tell them everything will be okay. No logic, just reassurance and prayer.
Have a conversation (after they are calm). And what I mean by a conversation is still not the logical discourse I’m tempted to lay out. Instead, what I’ve found works best is to ask questions, specific leading questions asked in a patient, calm, friendly way (not an accusatory way) to help draw them out. I give them possible responses. I assure them that their honesty will not hurt my feelings and explain to them that I want to help them but need to know exactly what kind of help they need from me. If there is a problem to discuss, I try to ask questions that help them see what lesson they need to learn instead of merely preaching to them (well, okay, there’s some preaching to). During these conversations, I do insist that they speak to me respectfully (which is why we save these conversations for after they’ve calmed down.) I don’t feel that it is healthy for them to yell at me when they are frustrated, so I coach them that they can feel frustrated and that they can be honest while still speaking respectfully.
Set goals together. After they’ve shared what is frustrating them, I ask “how can I best help you?” For one of my intense kids, finding the words to explain a feeling or emotionally-charged situation is very difficult. So during this part of the conversation, I provide a few choices for what may help the next time this situation comes up, and then I let them choose what game plan seems most doable for them. We set expectations and talk through natural consequences. Sometimes, we even come up with a code word or secret sign that I can give to remind them of our strategy before the emotions take them beyond the point of return.
Avoid “you against them.” This is huge, when I remember it. And I don’t always. When I do, it really turns a situation around. I try to set up our conversations as “me and them” against natural consequences. “I hate to see you lose this privilege because of a bad choice. How can I help you make sure that doesn’t happen?” “I’d hate to see you miss that party because you didn’t finish your assignments. I want to help you get your work done, but I can’t do it for you. I need you to work with me, and I will do all that I can to help you succeed. How can I help you best?” I’m the ally, not the enemy. I’m on their side, wanting them to succeed!
Ask for their ideas to be motivated in their schoolwork. Often, I’m surprised by how small their suggestions usually are. “I just don’t like being up in my room all by myself to do my work” [with lots of drama and high-pitched weeping]. “I just don’t like my colored pencils. They aren’t coloring right on the paper” [with same amount of drama and wailing]. Sometimes, they just need to buck up, for sure. But if making room for my child at the dining room table, buying her a $2 pack of colored pencils, or letting her finish her math with a pink pen is going to renew and motivate her to push through and try again, I’m all for it.

Bottom-line, I’m learning. I’m learning that the best way to motivate my intense children is by allowing them a measure of control. Often the emotions come when something out of their control has occurred. But they can control their choices and progress. Learning is their choice. That’s not on me. It’s the classic “take them to water but can’t make them drink” scenario. I can teach, but I can’t make them learn. Homeschooling takes both of us working together.

[ctt template=”4″ link=”cWo9t” via=”no” ]I can teach, but I can’t make them learn. Homeschooling takes both of us working together.[/ctt]

In those intense moments, I am there to calm them, to teach them to cope with frustration and disappointment, to remind them of their goals, and to offer my assistance to help them with those goals. I don’t remove consequences or bail them out, but I also don’t make it my fault when they make a bad choice. In other words, I can’t get drawn into their drama (Oh, so much easier said than done! I do know it); I have to be my child’s calm, and draw them toward the Prince of Peace.

Yes, there have been seasons (particularly before we eliminated our problem foods and triggers) where I felt that I did more counseling than actual homeschooling. There have been times when I put a big X through my plans and made a checkbox for “parenting” in its place. But when moments with my intense child have the lesson plans all askew, I try to remember that God had different plans for the day, that learning to cope with BIG emotions is truly just as important for this child as learning to multiply, and that some lessons just can’t be scheduled.

If you homeschool an intense or anxious child, I would love to hear your ideas on how you cope with the BIG EMOTIONS and get school done, too. Comment on my blog, or join the discussion on Facebook or Twitter.

Dyslexia Games Review: spelling for right-brained learners

January 26, 2017Tracy

Spelling is my daughter’s nemesis. After we finally made some headway in reading, she came to an absolute impasse with spelling. Her dyslexia just did not allow her to hear sounds and remember them in the right order. She couldn’t memorize a word by sight or by sound. No matter how many times we’d go over a word, she’d jumble it all together when it came time to write it down, if she had any of the right letters in the mix at all. As much as we loved Logic of English for reading, it became impossible for spelling. When I first stumbled upon Dyslexia Games late last school year, I was skeptical but desperate. As I looked at samples and read about the approach, I really felt that if anything could help my creative, right-brained child, this program could.

Dyslexia Games is a writing & spelling program with a very right-brained, creative approach. The program begins with having the child complete intricate patterns, studying the fine details and learning to repeat them. Sometimes the patterns were shapes and numbers; sometimes the patterns resembled the troublesome letters that dyslexic learners often struggle with (d, b, q, p). Another activity requires the child to study a picture and complete the missing parts: a face, a cat, a dog, etc. It’s an unusual tactic for a spelling program, but I watched in disbelief as she progressed.

Dyslexia Games teaches her to notice the subtle differences in letters and words. It teaches her to observe, in the same way she would observe art and drawing. Another activity requires her to hunt for words around the house, creating her own “spelling list” if you will, but still with this same principle of noticing and copying rather than remembering. She filled in blanks of missing letters and copied words beneath pictures she’d color. Each time, connecting language to her natural artistic strengths.

In using this program, it has done a couple of different things for my daughter.

It has allowed her to work through and overcome her anxieties and fears about what she can’t do. It is teaching her weakness through her strength. I love that! She is able to use something that she is good at, something that she is confident in, to tackle a subject she would otherwise struggle in.
It is teaching her to “see” what her brain just doesn’t naturally see. My beautiful girl sees the world so differently. And I love that about her. Nothing is ever as it seems. And yet, that creates so much struggle for her academically, where things must be seen a particular way. Just as Logic of English helped her to hear the sounds and make sense of them, Dyslexia Games has taught her to look for the subtle differences in letters and words.

Is my daughter learning to write and spell with this program? Yes. Though technically she would still be “behind grade level” in this subject, Dyslexia Games is teaching her the skills she will need to be able to spell and is increasing her confidence. We have completed Level A and are about halfway through Level B. Each level comes with a number of workbooks that the student can work through one at a time. However, knowing my daughter’s attention span, I’ve had her work through all the workbooks at once, but have kept the same recommended order. In other words, she completes one page in each workbook each day, progressing from patterns and art to a Word Hunt at the end of the week.

Just this weekend, I received Creative Comic Book Cursive and Spelling Journal from this same company. She was so excited when she looked through the book, that she immediately sat down with a pencil (ON HER DAY OFF!) and began working through this book. I love to see that! I love to see her enjoying learning in an area where she naturally is not as strong (which makes me absolutely love these products). I’m so thankful for the gift they’ve given my daughter, for the blessing they’ve been to my family.

This is not a traditional spelling program in any stretch of the imagination. It’s very out-of-the-norm. But isn’t that how our dyslexics see the world? It’s an out-of-the-norm program for our out-of-the-norm learners. And I love that someone not only understands and but has written a program to encourage this in our kids. Thank you, Dyslexia Games & Thinking Tree!

To see samples of the program and other products available for right-brained learners, visit the Dyslexia Games website.

I purchased this program and have not received any compensation for my opinions. After using this product, I have formed my own opinions and have shared them freely with you. For more, see my disclosure policy here.

Learning to read (without tears)

December 2, 2013Tracy

We worked on reading all last year with little progress. It was strained; it was a struggle. Last year, reading was a cross between guessing and memorizing—with lots of tears in between. My oldest read almost without me teaching him; it was instinct. But my daughter struggles to hear the sounds and to blend them in order. She struggles to keep all those letters and sounds from flipping backwards and inside out in her head. My daughter is dyslexic, and so far learning to read has meant lots of tears.

But this year, we are finally seeing progress. Slowly but surely, she is reading, and she’s still smiling! She’s reading words that she sees during the day on packaging and store signs, not just during school with a required reader. I know a year makes a lot of difference in development and maturity, so some of our success could be due to that. But a huge part of our success has been the Logic of English Foundations curriculum that we are using this year. With this curriculum, the steps to reading are very incremental, taking nothing for granted. And the games make reading irresistible. She marches and jumps and twists and turns to learn her sounds. She plays games to learn how to sound out words and blend them back together. And with each game, we’ve inched closer to that final goal that has seemed so out of reach. She’s learning to read.

She earns blocks to build a tower by reading words.

She moves her game piece down her colored board by reading blends and words.

She races across the room and up the stairs in a reading relay.

And she makes her own books, cutting and pasting the right picture into the book after reading the page.

She’s just finished the first level of this program (Foundations A), and we are both ecstatic at the results: not just that she is reading, but that she is smiling, too.