ADHD Archives - Page 2 of 2 - Growing In Grace

Motivating Your Child with Anxiety

February 16, 2017Tracy

Over the last few weeks, I’ve mentioned our top motivation-killers at my house: Big Emotions and creativity. Today, I’m revealing the last of our big three: anxiety. I’m not sure if the anxiety at our house is rooted in the ADHD or the dyslexia or something else entirely, but anxiety has been a real motivation-killer at several different points in our homeschool. How do you get your child moving again when anxiety has her totally shut down?

While a lot of the same ideas for motivating an intense child will also work for the anxious child (our anxiety is usually emotionally intense), there are a few things I do differently when dealing specifically with my daughter’s anxiety.

5 steps for motivating your child with anxiety

Reassure first. Don’t reassure with logic! (I’ve mentioned before that I am really working on this.) Know your child and what that child needs. Reassure with affection and sentiment: “I love you and it’s okay. We will get through this together.” I think, perhaps more than anything, my anxious child needs to be reminded that she’s not alone, that I’m there supporting her through all her struggles.
Validate her feelings and assure her that you will do all that you can to prevent her fears from becoming reality. “I can see how that would be devastating, but I will not allow anyone to laugh at you.” “I can see why you would be terrified, but I will make sure that [whatever the fear] doesn’t happen.” While my natural instinct is to tell my child that what she feels will never happen and logically explain why that fear is absurd, this just doesn’t have the same outcome as telling her that I will not allow that fear to occur. Sometimes, I can’t make that promise. It’s not in my realm of protection. In those cases, I reassure that if it were to ever happen, we would overcome it together, that she wouldn’t be facing that situation alone.
Be for her, not against her. I mentioned this in my post about motivating your intense child. Of course, we are “for” our children. But it is easy to default to an “us against them” when the work isn’t getting done. By positioning myself as the ally, I and my child work together against the obstacle or natural consequence, instead of against each other. I am not punishing her with the consequences; the consequences are hers. But I want to work alongside her to find a strategy to help her make good decisions and avoid those consequences.
End on a positive note. Humor, a secret code word between the two of us to reassure her in anxious moments, a treat (food heals the soul), a hug—anything that seals the deal and provides a little nudge of momentum.
Set up the learning environment to reassure the child the next time you encounter that obstacle. When we begin a subject or an assignment that I know my daughter is naturally anxious about, I begin by going over what we’ve discussed before, and remind her of what we are doing differently this time to make sure that her fears are not a reality. Reading used to be our anxiety-subject; then it became spelling. For a long time, she would burst into tears and shut down at even the sight of an assignment that required spelling. Slowly, we’ve worked through the anxieties from both of those subjects. And the other weekend, she picked up a spelling book on her own on a day off to work through some of the activities! Talk about a miracle! Though she is not completely confident in spelling, we’ve definitely come a long way.

Motivating a child with anxiety takes an enormous amount of patience. And I have to remember that even though the fears don’t always make sense to me, they are very real to my child. I’m not always grateful for these moments. I’m not always patient. I’m sure, at times, I’ve aggravated and intensified some of those feelings by handling it the wrong way. But as I look back over the weeks, and think about what God is doing in my life through this journey, I appreciate so much more how God handles my fears.

How illogical are mine most of the time! I have an almighty God who knows and cares: what do I have to be afraid of? And yet, God doesn’t launch into all the reasons why those fears don’t make sense. Instead, He assures me—”Don’t be afraid!” And He’s there for me—”I will never leave you or forsake you.” In the end, these are the verses and promises that both my child and I have to come back to. She and I are both scared, anxious little sheep, but He is the good Shepherd of us both.

Motivating your Creative Distracted Child

February 6, 2017Tracy

I love my kids and their unique personalities and gifts. On most days, I love what ADHD adds to their personalities. My kids are funny, innovative, out-of-the-box kids who do everything in a BIG way—messes, noises, emotions, drama, imagination. It’s all big. While I told you last week about how I handle our top distraction (BIG emotions), I’m writing this week about our second biggest distraction: creativity. Yes, believe it or not, I have more than one highly creative distracted child, and one extremely creative right-brained child. While I do love this about my children and have a lot of fun with their creativity and out-of-the-box ideas, sometimes it makes completing the work of homeschool a monumental task. If you, too, are blessed with a creative distracted child, here are a few ideas to get through the day.

5 ideas for motivating your Creative Distracted Child

Let them create first. Trying to set my creative child down to any kind of structured school while those creative juices are flowing is pretty nearly impossible. I’m setting us all up to fail. But I’ve noticed that if I give them the freedom to create first, to express some of that creativity, the release allows them to be able to settle in for the harder tasks. Sometimes all it takes is half an hour. For quite awhile, I gave them the whole morning and allowed them to start their discipline subjects after lunch when they were (a little) more mellow. Giving your child a time to expend that energy and creativity may help him to settle into the hard work later.
Give both rewards and consequences. Of my three kids, my daughter is my most creative, right-brained (i.e. distracted) child. At times, to reward her and motivate her to finish her work, I’ve allowed her to have 5 min. to decorate her page with colored gel pens and stickers if she finishes the lesson in a set amount of time. For my son, allowing him to write a funny comic strip in the margins after he’s worked the exercise is lots of motivation. On the other hand, natural consequences are equally as motivating. “I’m so sorry you played today instead of getting your math page done. I always love to see what you create during your doodling time. How can we make sure this doesn’t happen again?” I’m their ally; I want to help them succeed, but I can’t make their choices for them.
Set a timer. In our homeschool, I have always used timers. Early on, I noticed all my children go into an absolute panic if they were timed for something, so I used timers regularly to help them overcome their fears. But secondly, I’ve used timers as a tool to help them become aware of how much time has passed. Children in general, and ADHD children especially, have no concept of time. Time and time management are very abstract concepts; timers have helped my kids understand these abstract ideas. When we first began, I only used the timer in 5 or 10 minute increments, assigning maybe one side of a page; it was a short enough amount of time for them to stay focused and get a sense for how long that amount of time lasted. If they didn’t complete their page in the given time, I’d simply reassure them: “That’s okay. Now, you know how long 5 minutes is. Let’s try again, and this time I want you to try to get this much done.” Over the years using this method, we’ve worked up to about 20 minutes.
Use creativity as a reward. Honestly, I should use this one more. But it is rather effective when I have used it. I’ve seen moms use video game time or minecraft as a similar motivator. Essentially, if my child finishes in a decent amount of time, that child has earned the reward of a larger art project. “If you finish all of your assignments by lunch, you’ll have time to paint or sculpt with clay.” Those big art projects take a lot of time, and we just don’t always get to them, which makes them a real treat. The work itself is not necessarily motivating for a creative child, but finishing school in order to tackle a big art endeavor is very motivating, at least for my artsy crew.
Leave as many subjects open-ended as you can. This is my go-to. I love leaving assignments open-ended and seeing how they creatively approach the topic. The idea is to let your creative child decide how he wants to learn the material and complete the project. Does he want to write a story about a boy living in ancient Greece or a comic strip of the Trojan War? Would he rather sculpt a Grecian vase or clay models of the different types of columns? Would he prefer to make a display board or a diorama? If my kids are excited about the project, they are more motivated to tackle the harder aspects of learning (like reading and writing, for instance). We recently tackled display boards, and they were a huge hit! One of my all-time favorite homeschool moments last year was watching my daughter learn about Kandinsky’s art. I gave her a set of stickers and told her to copy the works as best she could, in whatever medium she wanted. She chose the stickers she liked best and had a blast with construction paper, tissue paper, crayon resist, watercolor, etc. And the results were brilliant! She did an amazing job, and I had very little to do with it.

I love having active, creative ADHD kiddos. And I really don’t want to be frustrated with such an amazing part of their personalities. This isn’t a distraction that goes away or that they will grow out of. This is a part of who they are, and it’s here to stay! I want to encourage the creativity while teaching them to manage and set boundaries for it. If you are at odds with your highly creative distracted child, start using that creativity to your advantage. It’s one of those rare distractions that can also be their greatest motivation.

A New Adventure: Taking on ADHD diet

August 28, 2015Tracy

When my homeschool year wrapped up, I embraced the summer break with the resolve to see if we could get to the bottom of some of our health issues through diet. It’s been a roller-coaster two years: two of my kids diagnosed with ADHD and some serious toddler issues, my husband had two back surgeries, a month-long bout of stomach bug (which ended in my toddler hospitalized for three days for dehydration), my husband’s second kidney stone, plus my own mysterious cramping and hormone concerns. Just for myself, I’d experimented with diet and realized I had very extreme issues with milk. Even trace amounts in baking goods would have me doubled-over in about 15 to 20 minutes. So with all that circling around in my head, I really wanted to give diet-change a serious look. We went gluten-free in June, and by July we tackled the ADHD elimination diet called Feingold.

I began keeping a detailed journal of everything everyone ate and daily notes on behaviors and moods.

What the ADHD diet eliminates

To start with, all dyes and preservatives and artificial anything are eliminated. This includes the hidden, non-listed preservatives. For instance, a package might be labeled “preservative free, no additives,” but the packaging has been sprayed with the preservative so the food is still contaminated even though it doesn’t have to be listed as an ingredient. Or, the product may list “corn, oil, salt” but the harmful preservative is in the oil that was used (but that doesn’t have to be listed either.) Bottom-line, Feingold does detailed research, sending out questionnaires to companies to find out which products truly are clean. I’ve learned the hard way, their list is pretty right on.

This also includes shampoos, toothpastes, hand soap, chapstick, laundry detergent, etc. I thought we were doing okay with dyes until I started looking more closely. You would’t believe where these things hide. Even fresh produce at restaurants is often injected with dyes to make them look brighter and fresher. Medicines, vitamins, and supplements are another surprising culprit. Again, no wonder my kids were having trouble.

Next the diet eliminates certain fresh fruits and vegetables that have been, from vast experience, shown to be problematic because of something called Salicylates, natural pesticides that plants produce to ward off bugs and disease. Even though it is natural, some people are extremely sensitive: tomatoes, grapes, apples, berries, cucumbers, almonds, coffee are some chief offenders. Some of these can be potentially be added back into a person’s diet once the key-offenders are found.

But the core of the diet is keeping a journal, making notes of everything, and watching for the patterns that surface. I’ve been blown away. And because I knew from personal experience how fast a reaction can happen, I could see my kids’ moods and behaviors shift just as quickly after eating certain foods.

How long does the ADHD diet take

A long time. It feels like an eternity. We’ve been doing this for 9 weeks, and we are not yet where I want to be though I’ve definitely seen progress and made connections. This is not for the faint of heart. I’ve read many articles that say you can’t treat ADHD with diet, and that specifically Feingold is only 1% effective or “outmoded.” And here’s why I think they say that: it’s stinking’ hard! This is all or nothing: no exceptions. This is not “give it a try for 2 weeks and see.” This is life-altering, leaving status-quo forever. There is no dabbling in this. It’s jump in with both feet. And no lie, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

I spent 4 hours on my first shopping trip and did a lot of crying those first few weeks. It seemed impossible.

Also, it gets worse before it gets better. I couldn’t have done this without wonderful moms on the Facebook groups telling me to hang in there and helping me trouble-shoot. The detox of all the crap leaving their little systems is akin to a drug addict going through withdrawal. It’s ugly. But here’s how I knew to stick it out. While I’m thankful for medicine to help us through this transition time, I was always baffled why some days the meds seemed to work, some days it seemed to be too much, and some days it didn’t work at all. Now, it all makes sense, depending on what they ate and what their bodies were dealing with.

What I have learned from the ADHD diet

I’ve learned my kids have three categories of reactions: aggression and violence (corn, corn starch, corn syrup is awful for this); nasty, mouthy, catty remarks and general moodiness (dyes and hidden preservatives, also some salicylates for us, and high-sulfur foods for my daughter); and just plain impulsive off-the-wall silliness, as in what is typically thought of as ADHD (fruit and salicylates, our first hint before it gets really ugly). Note: Everyone is different; the triggers for my kids may not necessarily be the same as someone else’s, though there are often similarities.

I’ve learned that, since cutting my own salicylate consumption, my daily migraines are gone (I only had two headaches last month. That’s it!) The ringing in my ears disappeared when I switched from almond milk to rice milk (almonds are a salicylate). I’ve learned that I can have a few of these fruits and veggies in small amounts and not in the same day, limiting the number I eat in a week.

I’ve learned that bananas are gassed with a corn-based spray to make them ripen faster, causing severe tantrums in my toddler (biting, pinching, and scratching himself; screaming and kicking on the floor; throwing furniture; and other extreme stuff). And that he is back to his happy, easy-going self when I watch what he eats. Also, diet-cheats caused potty accidents almost without exception.

I’ve learned to bake everything. This is huge for me. I hated baking. But going gluten free, milk free, corn free, pretty much left me with no other alternative. And I’ve learned that I really enjoy baking, and my bread machine.

I’ve learned that all the “I could never” excuses, are really just that—excuses. And the Lord has taken all of my “I could never” statements and made me eat them, literally.

I’ve learned simplicity. As complex as these changes are, I’ve learned to keep meals simple and uncomplicated. And they are still delicious. I’ve learned to pack lunches and snacks for everything. I’ve learned you find new favorites. I’ve learned diet changes don’t have to be isolating.

I’ve learned a lot. It’s been a hard journey, but an unforgettable one. And yes, it’s been totally worth it.

Curious about Feingold? Here’s a great ebook pdf that will give you an overview of what’s involved. And if you have questions, I’d love to be there for you and answer all that I can. I know this is a tough road with lots of judgement and misunderstanding, no matter what route you choose. No judgement here; we’re all just doing the best we can for the kiddos we love.

UPDATE: Seven years later and my kids have, by and large, healed their gut health and can now eat a semi-normal diet. We still have some issues with dairy and gluten, but even corn and dyes are things my kids can occasionally consume with their friends with minimal consequences. It’s been quite a journey! But my end goal from the very beginning was to give my kids the opportunity to know what “normal” feels like. Now, as teenagers, my two oldest largely make their own decisions about diet, and they can tell when something they’ve eaten makes them moody, affects their focus or sleep, or gives them stomach issues. This isn’t a journey for everyone, but it changed our lives for the better.

Facing Our ADHD Challenges

October 31, 2014Tracy

All of life is a journey, with a thousand twists and turns and detours and unscheduled maintenance stops. And while some families may have a journey that looks like a road trip across Texas or Ohio (think miles of nothingness), ours feels more like a roller coaster. And just when I feel like it’s time to unbuckle and get off, it lurches forward again.

In our latest hair-raising episodes, we’ve encountered the full impact of an ADHD diagnosis. Without names, just think multiple family members, and you’ll start to get an idea of how life-altering this has been. It’s been a nightmare and a relief at the same time. A nightmare to realize the challenges that lie ahead, and a relief to understand that there are solutions to our difficulties.

I know this is a highly charged and controversial diagnosis, and I’m not about to debate any of that here. For a fantastic overview of what it is and how it can affect a family, visit BenandMe.com’s blog series on ADHD. It’s amazing, and has been a tremendous (not to mention, timely) encouragement.

Needless to say, this has meant some huge changes in our family-life, parenting style, and homeschool. And it’s meant that I’ve lightened up on some of my extremely idealistic expectations to provide a little relief for us all. Here’s a sneak-peak at the ADHD challenges we’ve faced off so far.

The ADHD Challenges of Homeschool & Routine

If you know anything about ADHD, then you’ll understand how crucial structure and routine are. But I needed a routine that was, on one hand, structured but, on the other hand, capable of flexing with our high demands. The solution…drum roll…

Mornings are reserved for exploration and activity; discipline subjects (think phonics, spelling, math) come after lunch.

So after our chores, our mornings include things like a nature walk, a read-aloud and art project, music lessons, or Latin videos (Song School Latin). I don’t “schedule” these activities (other than our Tapestry of Grace history lessons). Instead, I suggest the next thing on the list during the next opportunity we have. If chores take too long, we miss the extras. But if the kids have been diligent and we have time, I look at what’s next to offer up. If it’s a pretty day, I suggest a nature walk. If I’m having trouble with my Littlest, then I suggest a Kinderbach lesson or the Latin video.

After lunch, we have a rigid system that pretty much never changes. It’s time for discipline. Oldest does his Reflex Math, copywork, mapwork, and some reading while Middlest does math and reading with me. (Littlest is fed and happy and pretty content to explore on his own during this time of day.) Then, we switch it up. Middlest does Reflex and plays with Littlest while Oldest does language and math with me.

It takes us roughly two hours. And I’m done by 3. Which means all the kids go to quiet time and leave me in as close to absolute silence as we can possibly acquire. I’ve insisted: mommy needs quiet time or mommy becomes a momster. And after proving that out a few times, they’ve pretty much gotten the idea.

The ADHD Challenges of Evenings & Dinner Prep

Evenings are our “witching hour” in every sense that the parent books warn about. My children never outgrew this. It’s absolute chaos. Plus, it’s time to make dinner. Which means that inevitably, my husband walks into a storm.

Here’s where I’ve relaxed my ideal. I have allowed a daily cartoon time while I make supper (horror of horrors!) They watch cartoons until I have supper prepared, and my husband can sneak into the house and transition himself to “family time.” My rules are as follows: if you come out of quiet time, you will lose your cartoon time. If you whine or pout when I say time is up, you will lose your next day’s cartoon time. So far, there have been NO infractions. Amazing!

The ADHD Challenges of Chores

Chores have been a nightmare. And I’m not Cinderella’s step-mother: most of my children’s “chores” are brushing their teeth, making their bed, cleaning their room type of tasks. But between HIGH-distractibility and extreme emotional melt-downs, chores have been a Twilight Zone.

Until I went searching for a chore app with a reward system. What I needed was a chore system that ran itself and offered rewards for tasks done. If it depended on my husband or myself to resupply the rewards or come up with the cash or whatever, I knew it would fail. I knew our limits.

ChoreMonster has been a dream come true. First, it’s free! (Hallelujah!) Second, the chores, point system, and rewards are all customizable. I enter the chores and equivalent points earned for each child. I enter the rewards and points for purchase. I customize whether or not the chore needs to be approved by me (getting dressed does not but cleaning a room does). And the app literally runs itself.

My kids have their own login to check off the chores they finish. For each chore finished, they get a spin on the monster wheel that will either win them a new cleaning monster to add to their collection or something monster-ish like dirty underwear, a banana peel, an empty soda can, or a jar of farts. They love it!

For rewards, they can earn video game time, a movie night, a bubble bath with no time limit, a candy bar on my next trip to the store, a new lego set, and other items of varying value.

I’ve included good character as “chores,” if they show responsibility, a servant-spirit, a great effort during a difficult situation, or excellence in school (attitude and focus), they earn points as well.

It’s been a huge success! And a huge relief.

We still have a lot of changes to make and a lot more challenges to face. But just to catch my breath from the chaos has been such a blessing. And knowing what it is I’m up against has been the greatest blessing of all.