Change often means chaos, executive function failure, and total upheaval for those who live with ADHD, whether that change is summer break, winter break, or coronavirus quarantine, it really doesn’t matter. ADHD makes self-regulating extremely difficult, particularly when life changes suddenly and the systems we had in place to motivate and anchor us unravel into uncertainty. We lose our natural rhythm and face insurmountable odds trying to lasso the winds of change and ride out the storm. So how do you have a system in place that can withstand change, a system that can ride with the storms and yet help us all to stay anchored? For our family, I’ve learned that a successful routine can make all the difference.
Over Christmas break, I began a new morning routine (at my husband’s behest). You see, I needed a break from school—a good, long break. But our homeschool routine provides a lot of structure to our day that is felt dramatically when we take breaks. My husband, who also has ADHD, needs our family to have structure. My kids with ADHD need structure, not a micro-managed day but a structure to frame their day. So it came down to “make a routine or restart school.” I chose a new routine. Little did I know how that one routine would provide a much-needed anchor to our lives when the coronavirus hit.
Defining a Successful Routine
A routine is different from a schedule in some key ways.
- First, a good routine allows for flexibility. It allows for a person to get behind and derail without having to toss out the whole day and try again tomorrow. A successful routine provides a number of effective “on-ramps” to get back on track when the day gets rocky.
- Second, a successful routine also works with the natural flow of your (and your family’s) personality, not against it. A good routine recognizes and respects everyone’s needs, energy levels, and mood-boosters. The habits we want to cultivate and the priorities we want to include then slip into this natural flow of our family life.
- A good routine is an order of doing things. How long those things take can be adjusted if needed. What time those things happen can also be adjusted. But the order stays the same.
- Lastly, a good routine connects with your values and priorities, helping you to accomplish what is truly important to you.
Simple Steps to a Successful Routine
Start with what you have. Take a look at what you are already doing. What does your family typically do in a day? What is the typical order of things? This is your natural flow.
Meals are where I usually always start when I’m looking at our natural flow. What do I want to happen before, during, and after each meal? For instance, our Bible time is immediately after breakfast, because I know no one in my house is missing breakfast. Chores follow Bible time. But the anchor to that part of our day is breakfast.
Make small changes. If you make drastic changes to the natural flow, you are swimming upstream while carrying your family by your teeth. It will feel impossible! Make changes a little at a time. My family is typically up and going no later than 8:00, which makes 7:30 a realistic time to get up. If I set our start time at 5:30, that’s a drastic change to our flow and it’s going to be rough.
(Note: If we were to need to wake up much earlier, I would plan on adjusting that slowly, a little at a time, gradually moving the natural flow closer to that ideal time.)
Provide incentive and motivation. We all find motivation in different ways. Know what motivates your crew and work those motivations into your routines.
Music and togetherness are big motivators for us. We have a herd mentality. So for us, having a time when everyone gathers their Bibles and reads quietly before drifting off to get dressed makes this a time everyone looks forward to. It works so much better than having everyone go off to separate locations or assigning separate times for Bible reading (where my kids tend to get distracted and forget what they were supposed to be doing). We all pile together in the living room, fight over who sits next to whom, fuss over not having enough space, and then settle in. (I allow about a half hour or so for this.) It’s not perfect, there are squabbles, but we’ve consistently been able to maintain a habit of reading our Bibles, month after month, in spite of the drastic life changes around us.
When I included a time for chores, I incorporated both of our motivators to make this work. We all do chores together, and one person chooses the music playlist each day. (I had only two rules: 1. it had to be praise music; 2. if anyone complained about the choice, they’d lose their day to choose.) It works beautifully. The music blasts throughout the house and announces it’s time for chores to start. The upbeat music harnesses the energy and helps with mood. (This is another half hour or whenever the assigned chore is completed, whichever comes first.)
A morning walk is another big incentive for my younger two (notice, togetherness). Once we’ve completed our morning routine in a timely fashion, we are rewarded with about a half-mile walk around the neighborhood (actually, I walk and they ride their scooters).
What if someone is motivated differently?
A good routine respects everyone’s needs and differences. So for instance, my oldest needs some time alone before interacting with others in the morning. He gets up a little earlier and does a morning exercise routine, then has breakfast and reads a missionary biography until our family Bible time. If my youngest happens to get up when he hears his older brother, he’s supposed to play quietly until 7:30. There is one central family routine, but my teenager has his own separate personal routine and an on-ramp into the family routine. And we all respect that routine.
Of course, there are plenty of mornings when we get a late start, and we just focus on the order things happen. (After all, with ADHD multiple times over, distractions and delays are inevitable.) That’s the difference between a flexible routine and a fixed schedule. A few successful routines (for any part of a day that needs a little more structure) provide easy “on-ramps” when the day gets off-track. And even the simplest routines can add a little reinforcement against any unexpected changes life may bring your way.
