There are moments in parenting that are amazing, that fill you with admiration for your child and with wonder that you have the privilege to be in his or her little life. There are sweet, cuddly moments filled with all the warm fuzzies we mommies dream of. And then there are other moments, moments when parenting is hard, moments that make you question everything in your life. Parenting ADHD, much less multiple children with ADHD, is filled with both moments. In one moment, I am in awe at the imagination, energy, and innovation of my kids, absolutely stunned by the 50+ million thoughts a day that pour out of their brains. And then there are moments that rock my world, that shake the core of all by beliefs, and I’m left in the ruins of impulsivity and emotional dysregulation. Parenting ADHD is awesome! And parenting ADHD is stinking hard.
Then comes the sage advice to “enjoy the moment” because they grow up so fast. But honestly, there are some parenting moments that I just can’t enjoy. Some moments, honestly, we just survive. So how do you appreciate your child, even when you can’t enjoy the moment?
5 Ways to Appreciate Your Child When You Can’t Enjoy the Moment
Slow down. Life with ADHD is forever in the NOW. Everything is urgent. Every situation sounds like it’s life or death—I never know if someone is bleeding to death or if a lego piece won’t come apart—it all sounds the same. The temptation is to rush in, to feed into the urgency. But take a cue from the life of Christ: he didn’t rush in. He took his time to pray, to prioritize, to size up the situation, to address what was right in front of him. I see my children more clearly, I appreciate them more, I empathize with their struggles better when I slow down.
Take it all in. ADHD is a lot to take in. It’s a flash flood of thoughts and ideas and emotions, pouring in from every direction. And when I’m in the midst of other tasks, trying to get things accomplished while that torrent of ADHD sweeps me off course, it can be frustrating. But when I pause from my task and be present, when I listen to the competing voices (usually all three of them at once, sounding off their latest brilliant epiphany and arguing about whose ideas warrant my attention) and marvel at what actually happens in a single day in my home, I can’t help but be amazed. Taking it all in means that I don’t try to multi-task. Sometimes, I stop what I’m doing and just sit back in wonder. Sometimes, I ask them a few times to hold the thought till I finish the task I’m on. Either way, I take time to enjoy this VIP pass to all that limitless creativity.
Understand. Ask open-ended questions that allow your kids to share the depths of their emotion and perspective. So many times, what I thought was selfishness and pride was actually a brilliant moment of empathy miscommunicated; what I thought was defiance was actually a stroke of problem-solving genius. But I miss these moments when I don’t take time to understand, when I rush to conclusions and react instead of listening. Yes, this takes lots of time. Yes, I’m late to events and activities. Yes, my housework doesn’t get done and our homeschool schedule gets behind. Yes, there is a cost for taking time to understand. But there’s also a cost for not taking the time to understand.
Know your child’s strengths. Make a list. Learn to recognize that strength when you see it. Learn what ADHD trait is connected to that strength. Love and appreciate what ADHD does for your child, the strengths and super-strengths. If you can’t see the gift that it brings to your child, your child won’t see it. And when those hard moments come, it helps so much to realize that impulsivity is what makes your child creative and funny, that distractibility is what makes your child so resilient and eager to tackle the next adventure, that emotional outburst is what makes your child passionate.
Believe in the possibilities. What my child is today is not who my child will always be. The struggle before us right now is not going to doom my child to a life of failure. But my child can’t see those possibilities, unless I can see them. Even in the hardest moments, there is hope when we slow down, take it all in, understand, and remember those strengths. When we remember that God is at work in all of us and through all of us, that he allows these hard moments for our good, there is hope and possibility.
I’m not telling you to enjoy every moment. Some moments you just have to make the best of it and move on. But if we continue to hold out for a mirage of “when things get better,” we may miss out on the best moments we’ll have with our kids. Though I may not enjoy every moment I am in, I can appreciate my child even in those hard moments. And what I’m discovering in the process of parenting ADHD is that struggling through some of those hard times together leads to many moments that I wouldn’t want to live without.
